Hobos, Hats and Horrendous Hairsyles
by demonprosecutor
Summary: A collection of Apollo Justice crack drabbles. Probable spoilers for AJ. Requests not only accepted but encouraged! T to be safe on Chapter 3.
1. Give Me My Hat

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Phoenix Wright or his wonderful hat

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Phoenix Wright or his wonderful hat. The plot from this came form my recurring dream that everyone is trying to steal my hat. If anyone can read dreams, please explain that one! : )

The paper contained nothing of interest. Another murder, another scandal – it was the same every day, just with different names. The only section that Phoenix Wright really read anymore was the cartoons, and even they were going downhill. Even so, he still liked to start his day with a cup of coffee and his morning paper.

He relaxed in his usual seat on the sofa and put his feet up on the glass table. He skipped the article about, "Apollo Justice: Up And Coming Lawyer," knowing it would say very little different to the article of ten years ago entitled, "Phoenix Wright: Up And Coming Lawyer."

He took a sip of his coffee. Godot Blend 107 – Godot still posted them to him. He was in prison, but that wouldn't stop him keeping in touch with his friends. Even death hadn't separated he and his girlfriend, so imprisonment was nothing.

A weight lifted from the top of head. He knew the coffee was good, but not that good…

"Gotcha hat!" giggled Trucy, snatching the blue beanie hat up.

"Hey! Give that back, young lady!"

"Polly, catch!" She threw the hat to her accomplice in red who was standing by the door. He caught it and made his escape to the street outside, Phoenix in close pursuit.

"Hey, detective! Catch!" he yelled, throwing the hat to Ema who was waiting along the road for them. Yhey had been planning this for weeks and were not going to give in without a fight.

"Got it!" She ran further down the street with Phoenix at her heels, then yelled, "Oi, glimmerous fop! Catch it!"

The hat flew through the air and Klavier Gavin caught it with one hand without looking – he was obviously showing off for his Fraulien Detective. He was standing by the escape vehicle, his purple motorbike, which he immediately climbed onto and drove at top speed down the road, holding the hat above him with victory.

"Give…back…my…hat!" yelled Phoenix. He knew there was only one thing he could do – he would have to call on his magic powers.

"OBJECTION!!" he screamed, and the world around him froze. "HOLD IT!!" he yelled and flew towards the motorbike, his pointing finger stretched out before him. "TAKE THAT!!" he bellowed as he snatched the hat away with his super strength…

"Daddy…daddy, wake up," whispered his daughter, shaking him awake.

"Huh? What's up, Trucy?"

"You were yelling in your sleep. Something about a hat and, 'Objection!!' You woke me up. Were you having that dream again?"

"Yeah. I _really_ need to see a dream specialist."


	2. My Bracelet Never Lies

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Ace Attorney series

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Ace Attorney series. If I did, I wouldn't be here now, would I? :) Enjoy. This is virtually all speech.

_The Court Lobby_

"You're doing great in there, Apollo, I'm really proud of you."

"Really, Mr Wright?"

"No, really I can't stand you because you stole my job and my game series. In _my_ day, we didn't have stupid bracelets to do our jobs for us. No, we had little green things in the shape of a number nine instead. Much less girly. What does that stupid bracelet do anyway?"

"It focuses on the witnesses watching for twitches. Almost all witnesses have a twitch that gives away their lies."

"So basically, they twitch, you declare they're lying, the judge believes you and you win."

"Yeah, basically."

_In Court_

"Gotcha! Witness, when you said that you didn't kill the victim, one of your hairs moved a ninetieth of a millimetre. You're lying, aren't you? You did kill him!"

"But the evidence…"

"My bracelet never lies!"

"If the judge believes that, I'll eat my hat," Phoenix whispered to Trucy.

"Why, if your bracelet says he did it, it must be true! This court declares the defendant not guilty. Bailiff, arrest the witness immediately.

_Tres Bien_

A large crowd of people arrived to watch Phoenix Wright eat his hat. The ceremony was held at the Tres Bien where a collection of sauces and other toppings were collected to help the ex-attorney eat his way through defeat. Guy Eldoon brought along a truck full of salt and the news reporter writing the event up for the local newspaper gave the poor guy some toothpaste as well. Phoenix Wright spent the next week in bed with food poisoning, the hat having not been washed for seven years.


	3. The Hair Off

DISCLAIMER: Yeah, I don't own Ace Attorney. Thanks to **lilacbird **or the plot idea.

The crowd was cheering, the spotlights bright, as the elite competitors stepped out onto the field. This was what they had been training for. They all warmed up in their tracksuits as the next event was announced.

"Welcome to the Olympics! The next event is the Hair Off – we have eight competitors today: first up is Phoenix Wright with his Spikes Of Doom!" Phoenix removed the beanie hat, revealing the sharpest hair ever seen. The crowd gasped as he tore through a phone book with only one attempt.

"Secondly, Klavier Gavin and Kristoph Gavin and the amazing Horns Of The Unicorn!" The crowd cheered as the two brothers duelled with their ponytails, then drilled holes through a sheet of steel.

"Apollo Justice and his antennae!" The crowd sang as Apollo attached himself to a TV and picked up High School Musical on satellite.

"Machi Tobaye and his Angel Wings!" The crowd applauded as Machi used his beautiful blonde locks to fly three times round the field, doing a somersault in the air at the end.

"Ronnie DeLite and his Springs of Wonder!" The crowd went wild as Ronnie's hair stretched out the entire length of the field and bounced back again.

"Franziska von Karma, Lisa Basil and Vera Misham: The Ladies Of Blue!" The crowd screamed their approval as the three showed off the astonishing colour of their hair, from the gentle sea blue of Vera's hair, to the light, sky blue of Franziska's, to the robotic looking, shimmering blue of Lisa's.

"Luke Atemy and his Lightening Strike." The crowd was slightly confused as the lights went out, but cheered with admiration as the lightening bolt on Luke's head replaced the lights with a bright glow.

"And finally Daryan Crescend with his…em…" The crowd fell silent.

"What is that guy doing with his hair, mommy?" asked a small child in the crowd.

"I'll tell you when you're older, honey."


	4. Steps To A Future

DISCLAIMER: I don't own _any_ of the awesome characters here. I just own their souls.

Larry and Mia walked along in front, cheering. I lagged behind with a mobile phone to my ear. Of course, it would be my job to order the takeaway. When Larry suggested taking us all out for dinner, I didn't think that I would be paying.

Soon they were two dots waiting at Fey and Co. I didn't care. There was no way I would hurry up after the tiring trial I had just won. My first trial – and they were only going to get harder. I sighed. Had I known that law would be this straining, then I would have gone with my first plan and become a food critic.

"Excuse me?" a small voice said from behind me. I turned round to see a short boy in a red hoodie and blue jeans. His red and white cap was turned backwards and two clumps of hair stuck out of the hole in the front. He had a nervous look in his eye.

"Huh?" I replied, "Did you speak?"

"Um…yeah. I was wondering where I could find Grossberg Law Offices – I have an appointment with Mr Grossberg."

"Grossberg…it rings a bell, but I can't honestly tell you that I know who you mean."

"He's a lawyer. I wanted to learn a few tricks of the trade – I want to be a lawyer when I grow up."

"Good choice. I'm a lawyer. I've just won my first trial, in fact. Wright's the name – Phoenix Wright."

"That's so cool! I'm Apollo Justice."

"I look forward to working with you in future cases, Mr Justice," Ilaughed, "I'm sorry I can't help you."

"Hey, Phoenix!" Mia ran up behind him, tucking her hair behind her ear as she stopped. Inoticed the boy blush and look away. Mia had that effect on most men.

"Oh, Chief! I'll be there in a minute. I was just talking to this boy – he's wants to know where to find Grossberg Law Offices."

"Grossberg? You keep going till the post office then turn left. You can't miss it."

The boy turned, yelling his thanks as he ran towards the first step to his future.

* * *

I shook with excitement as I knocked the big brass knocker on the door of Marvin Grossberg's office. The secretary had been very kind, giving me directions to the office of the man himself, but now I was on my own. It was actually quite scary.

The door opened to a large man with a bushy moustache. He looked surprised to see such a young person in his office, but invited me in and gave me a cup of hot chocolate.

"I'm Apollo Justice," I informed him when asked, "I'm only twelve, but I really want to be a lawyer when I grow up. I'd love a few pointers!"

"Twelve, eh? Ah…the days of my youth… like the scent of fresh lemon. Well, perhaps you should talk to our junior attorney. He's quite new here – only twenty-three – but he's quite the defence attorney. Kristoph Gavin is his name. His office is right through here."

* * *

The office was elegant, of course. I was always obsessed with the perfect finishing touches – they define an office. Or a prison cell.

"So, you're…Apollo Justice. And what brings you here, Mr Justice?"

"I want to be a lawyer, Mr Gavin!" the boy blurted out, slamming his fists down on the desk. His eyes were wide, his voice louder than any I had ever heard. He could have been made a lawyer then and there if he grew a little and fixed his hair.

"Ah! A little young, are you not?"

"Well, yeah, a little – but so what? I mean, Fran-zis-ka von Karma became a prosecutor at thirteen!" He had a little trouble pronouncing the name, but certainly tried his hardest. An odd child, but obviously passionate about law – he knew the names of all of these famous lawyers, after all.

"Well, then, Mr Justice, let's start at the beginning of your law education. Do you know any lawyers? Have you met any?"

"Not really. I met one in the street just now, but I don't think that counts."

"So no law connections in the family?"

"I don't really know my family. I'm a foster child. My foster mother works as waitress at the Sunshine Coliseum. She even knows Klavier Gavin!" He looked very proud of himself. He obviously hadn't noticed the connection, and I decided against bursting his bubble, despite the temptation.

"Why do you want to go into law?"

"I want to save lives!" I nearly burst out laughing. Poor, deluded child. What did he expect – his cases to reveal life-threatening bullets in his client's chest? Murder cases didn't save lives; they were just a consequence of one being taken.

"One more test: yell the word, "Objection!" as loud as you can."

The boy smiled. This was obviously the moment he had been waiting for. **"OB-JEC-TION!!"**There was silent for moment. The door suddenly flung open to reveal my boss, panting after jogging all the way from right outside the door.

"W-what just happened?" he gasped.

"What just happened?" I smiled and shook my head in that patronising way I always did. "The making of an attorney happened."


	5. The Fairy Princess

DISCLAIMER/WARNING: I don't own Ace Attorney, nor the fairy princess. Prepare for randomness.

"No, _I'm_ the fairy princess!"

"No, _I'm_ the fairy princess!"

"You were the fairy princess last time! It's my turn."

"You haven't got the figure to be a fairy princess."

"Oh no you _didn't_, girlfriend!"

"Oh yes I did."

"You are so dead! Daddy, you agree, don't you? I'm the better fairy princess."

Phoenix glanced up from his paper. It was from last month, but buying one more regularly would be a waste of grape juice money. He looked from one to the other and shook his head.

"Apollo, just let Trucy be the fairy princess."

NOTES:

_Oh yes. That was random. Just so everyone knows, Trucy was the first speaker, Apollo the second, and so on in that order until Phoenix spoke at the end. To those who think this is OOC for Apollo – you don't know the __**real**__ Apollo._


	6. Seven Years

DISCLAIMER: I'd like to apologise for what I did to Pearl in this story. To everyone's relief, this is only a one-shot. Don't own AA, blah blah blah. Warning: This story not only contains crack characters, crack plot, crack one-liners, but it is also pure crack. Have fun!

Phoenix straightened his tie. It was the first time he had worn a suit in seven years. His hair, perfectly spiked, was enjoying being free of the hat. Funny how hair had emotions.

Seven years had passed with only phone calls and emails. It was pretty annoying for the first month when Maya didn't reply to his emails, but he forgave her when it turned out he had been emailing Damon Gant, who must have been quite confused when he got an email from the man who put him in prison asking how the weather was over there.

In all seven years, he hadn't spoken to Pearl. That was the main reason he was here tonight – to see how she was getting on. The other reason was because the Gatewater did a damn good spaghetti bolognaise.

He opened the door to uncountable diners, each party enveloped in their own conversation. He fought through the tables, trying to find his own.

"-Objection! That cake is mine- "

"-And that's how Uncle Gumshoe solved the case of the missing urn-"

"-Of course I'll sign your plastic fork, Fraulein. Anything for a fan-"

Finally, he spotted them sitting in the corner – there usual table. Maya looked slightly more grown up, but she'd barely changed at all. And as for Pearl, sweet little Pearl, Pearl who had never said a harsh word about anyone…

Well, perhaps the black leather mini dress was a _little_ out of character. And that studded collar around her neck was new, as were the knee high leather boots. He didn't remember her having hate tattooed on her forehead either, and the nose-stud hadn't been there before. _Oh well_, Phoenix thought cheerily, _she's still the same old Pearls really_.

"Nick!" Maya exclaimed happily, "You're here! Pearly, say hi to Nick."

Pearl grunted in response. Maya sighed.

"Pearly's been having a few _issues_ lately…" Maya began in a hushed voice.

"I do not have issues!" Pearly screamed, waving her arms in the air and yelling obscenities.

"Pearly, keep your voice down and watch your language," Maya hissed.

More obscenities ensued, leaving Maya and Phoenix looking embarrassed. Finally, Pearl stood up and stomped out of the room.

"Probably going to call her boyfriend. He's such a terrible influence on her, you know. A strange relationship – he's two years younger than her, but so very aggressive and rough. Drugs, gambling, you know the kind. A good friend of an ex-rock band convict accused of smuggling drugs. Apparently the young scoundrel himself was involved. I just don't like him at all."

"What's his name?"

"Machi Tobaye."


End file.
